Save Phil! Hi my name is Phil O. Safari, an average joe hoping you can help him with super problem. As a kid, I dreamed about saving the world, but now I just wish I was normal. My problems started on that cold and clear night of my 18th birthday. I was walking back home from a celebration at the pub when I suddenly found myself in middle of a supernova. Blinded for what seemed like ages, my eyes finally adjusted enough for me to see that the light was emanating from a rotating disc in the sky.

“Oh my god…”

“That’s right,” a voice from the sky boomed, “Though I suppose Zeus is more accurate. But you can call me ‘Dad.’”

I laughed. This is has got to be a delusion. I knew I should have passed on those last few shots.

“No, son. I assure you, this is all very real. Listen up because I don’t have much time. You people always get freaked out when we come down in one of our chariots. Now that you have reached adulthood, I can activate the divine abilities that have hitherto lain dormant within you, but you must prove your worth to me first.

“You see, I’m not particularly impressed with you modern humans. Collectively, your accomplishments are respectable, but individually, you are not even half of what your forefathers were. You yourself have been worthless to date, and I had half a mind to end your miserable existence. Fortunately for you, I am in a relatively good mood, and Athena prevailed upon me to give you a chance. Hercules performed twelve labors; lets see if you can do one. You must touch the lives of one thousand people. Disappoint me at your peril.”

With that, Zeus was gone as suddenly as he had appeared.

My bladder was about to explode, so I stumbled over to some bushes to relieve myself and collect myself. Relief washed over me, and I managed a little chuckle. What a weird dream.

“Hey there, sexy.”

I fell over backwards and just about died. But at least I didn’t scream like a little girl. Standing over me was the most stunning woman I had ever seen, clad in full Greek body armor, gazing down at me with a bemused look on her face.

I grew bright red. Leaping up and turning my back to her, I struggled regain my composure and some semblance of dignity.

“Athena, I presume?” I asked in the calmest voice I could muster, though I sounded more like a mouse than a human.

“He squeaks!” she exclaimed, as if reading my mind. Athena laughed merrily, and this did much to soothe my nerves.

“Why did you save me?” I asked.

“Because you are distantly related to Socrates, my favorite philosopher. But more importantly, you are a philosopher yourself. You care about the world and seek meaning and significance in all things. These traits are important for a would-be heroes.”

“Ha! Dear Ol’ Dad didn’t seem to think so.”

“Don’t mind Father – he’s just old school. He’s still stuck back in the past when brawn often trumped brains. To him, that musclehead Hercules is the gold standard. But today, the world needs heroes with a different type of muscle.”

I didn’t like where this dialogue was headed, but I knew there was nothing I could do about it. Men are but playthings of the gods. “So what now?” I asked. “I just need to help a thousand people and then become a superhero?. Seems straightforward enough. Is there a time limit on this?”

“God time is very different from human time. One hour of god time is roughly equivalent to one day of human time. I would say you have about a week or two, god time, but really it depends on Father’s mood. [Fantastic, I thought] As for the task itself, you will find that it’s not quite that simple. I’m forbidden from helping you directly, but I will give you this.”

Athena handed me a watch with two buttons. “The Red Button allows you to track the number of people you have helped. The Green Button shows you Father’s mood so that you can get a general idea how much time you have left to complete your task. Pushing both Black Buttons simultaneously will summon me. Be prudent, for you only have three summons.” Seeing the bewildered look on my face, Athena sighed. “Poor baby. I guess that’s enough excitement for one day. I’ll drop by from time to time, but I’m sure you’ll get the hang of things in no time, clever lad that you are. Here drink this.”

She handed me a gourd of sweet nectar, and I could feel all my cares fade away after my first sip. Ah, ambrosia… I awoke in my bed with a start. Hmm, maybe it was all a dream. One look at the watch on my wrist immediately dispelled this happy thought. Sighing, I collapsed back into bed. I was tempted to summon Athena since I had a lot of questions, but I thought better of it. After a few minutes bemoaning my plight, I forced myself to get up. Helping a thousand people shouldn’t take too long, right?

Ten years later…I’ve learned one incontrovertible fact of life: Zeus is pure evil. The soulcount stands at only 196, and it’s not like I’ve been slacking off. I have volunteered, donated, mentored, and worked for all kinds of non-profits and governmental agencies – and that’s all I got. I wasted a summon early on, but Athena was as frustratingly cryptic as the Oracle of Delphi. Well, I guess it wasn’t a complete waste; she’s so hot.

Anyway, I figured out that “personally touch” someone requires that I somehow alter their behavior or thinking. It’s not enough to serve soup at to some homeless people, but I get credit for convincing a kid to stay in school or changing someone’s opinion. These activities are incredibly time consuming and have a low success rate. Damn you, Zeus! I defy you. I refuse to be your plaything.

…Later, holed up in my apartment to avoid Zeus’ wrath, I was surfing the web when I was struck by a completely different sort of bolt. With the Internet, I could reach thousands, maybe even millions. Of course the conversion rate would be quite low, but I really had nothing to lose. It would also give me something to do on days when it’s not safe to venture outside.

Here are the Safaris - my expeditions into the wilderness of the real world. If you like them, please refer them to a friend and help pump up the counter. Every visitor helps. Will I become Super Phil or Phil-a-ment? My fate is in your hands!