Philoscifi

On the brink of destruction, the world desperately needs a Hero. Phil Safari, a reluctant Candidate, must prove himself worthy to the gods by completing a Heroic Task: change 1000 lives for the better… or else! The following is part of the Safaris – a collection of Phil’s misadventures in Heroism. Find out how it all started and what he has learned about love, life, and the pursuit of happiness.

“It’s the professional’s job to make the best of the situation.” These words - my own words – stuck with me after my conversation with Jake. My motivation had slipped noticeably at work after weeks of absurdity, and it was something I wasn’t proud of. I needed to try harder.

Against my better judgment, I volunteered for this project that I thought could really help the office. The goal was to implement an electronic document management system, DocuWiz, to eliminate the problem of paper getting lost both in the filing cabinet and in transit. All that was needed was someone to buy the software and set it up. Sounded simple enough. Little did I know that this decision would change my life forever.

There were plenty of red flags along the way, but I ignored them. The project was almost DOA because the managers couldn’t agree to buy the software for weeks. With only days remaining in the fiscal year, they finally agreed, and there was a mad scramble to get the purchase order released.

Installation was an adventure in itself, thanks to the incredible ineptitude of IT. Vince “Flash” Horton, the head of IT, told me that was no server to put the program on. Why on earth did he approve the purchase if he knew that it could not be installed? Because he’s Flash - the very same man who marveled, “You can fit all that data on that little thing?” when someone showed him a USB drive. The word was that he was pretty good…with mainframes back in 1985. Too bad his brain hasn’t worked since then.

Fortunately I had this covered. Before we purchased DocuWiz, I had verified with his more knowledgeable staff that we had servers capable of running it. I forwarded these emails to Flash, but it took another two months to finally corner him. He admitted that he didn’t know anything about servers and promised to assign his “best person” to install the program for us.

With IT staff, you had to pick your poison – knowledgeable but unhelpful or helpful but clueless. Flash’s “best person” was Lina Zelinka, and she was firmly belonged to the former. Lina was also the Queen of the Flying Squirrels…more on that later. She exemplified IT’s motto: “Let’s get to the heart of the matter – technology.” Translation: give us your technology and STFU. I gave Lina detailed instructions and specifications along with the installation CD. She called me a week later to say that (1) she had installed it on a restricted access server belonging to Darcie Wallace, a manager who zealously guarded it and (2) that it didn’t work after she spent days trying “everything.” Clearly, she didn’t read a damn thing I wrote.

I took a couple deep breaths. Remember, I’m a professional… I’m a professional… Calmly, I went down to IT. With Tech Support on the phone, I successfully reinstalled DocuWiz in 45 minutes. Calming Darcie down was a major chore, but after a month or two, I managed to get her to accept that DocuWiz was using limited resources on her server and that it would not interfere with her operations.

Oh yeah, the flying squirrels. Lina rarely responded to emails or phone messages in a timely fashion, so to get her to transfer some old data over to DocuWiz, I had to sit in her cubicle and watched her do it. To pass the time, she regaled me with stories about her flying squirrels for an hour. Even showed me their glamor shots. Woot!

Installation was finally complete after six months, and now the real work could begin…only I was too tired to care. It is then, when you are most vulnerable, that the vultures swoop in.

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