Philoscifi

Hi my name is Phil O. Safari, an average joe hoping you can help him with super problem. As a kid, I dreamed about saving the world, but now I just wish I was normal.

My problems started on the cold and clear night of my 21st birthday. I was walking back home from the bar when I suddenly found myself in middle of a supernova. Blinded for what seemed like ages, my eyes finally adjusted enough for me to see that the light was emanating from a rotating disc in the sky.

“Oh my god…”

“That’s right,” a voice from the sky boomed, “Though I suppose Zeus is more accurate. But you can call me ‘Dad.’”

I laughed. This had to be a delusion. I knew I should have passed on those last few shots.

“No, son. I assure you, this is all very real. Listen up because I don’t have much time. You people always get freaked out when we gods come down in one of our chariots. Now that you have reached manhood, I could activate your latent divine abilities, but you must prove your worth to me first.

“You see, I’m not particularly impressed with you modern humans. Collectively, your accomplishments are respectable, but individually, you are not even half of what your forefathers were. You have been particularly worthless to date, and I was tempted to end your miserable existence. Fortunately for you, I am in a relatively good mood, and Athena convinced me to give you a chance. Hercules performed twelve labors; lets see if you can do one. You must touch the lives of one thousand people. Disappoint me at your peril.”

With that, Zeus was gone as suddenly as he had appeared.

My bladder was about to explode, so I stumbled over to some bushes to relieve myself and collect my wits. As relief washed over me, I managed a little chuckle. What a weird dream.

“Hey there, sexy.”

I fell over backwards and just about died. But at least I didn’t scream like a little girl. Standing over me was the most stunning woman I had ever seen, clad in full Greek body armor, gazing down at me with a bemused look on her face.

I grew bright red. Leaping up and turning my back to her, I struggled to regain my composure and some semblance of dignity.

“Athena, I presume?” I asked in the calmest voice I could muster, though I sounded more mouse than human.

“He squeaks!” Athena exclaimed, as if reading my mind. She laughed merrily, and this did much to soothe my nerves.

“Why did you save me?” I asked.

“I have my reasons. You are distantly related to Socrates, my favorite philosopher, and presumably inherited some of his mental ability. But more importantly, you care deeply about the world. These traits are important for a would-be hero.”

“Ha! Dear Ol’ Dad didn’t seem to think so.”

“Don’t mind Father – he’s just old school. He’s still believes that brawn trumped brains and that a musclehead like Hercules is the gold standard. But today’s world needs heroes with a different type of muscle.”

I didn’t feel much like being a hero now, but I knew there was nothing I could do about it. Men are but playthings of the gods. “So what now?” I asked. “I just need to help a thousand people and then become a superhero?. Seems straightforward enough. Is there a time limit?”

“God time is very different from human time. One god hour is roughly equivalent to one human day. I persuaded him to give you six god months, which is about 12 earth years. He seemed to like that number, since Hercules performed twelve labors. It is only an estimate though, since Father is fickle and didn’t swear, so don’t dawdle. As for the task itself, you will find that it’s not quite that simple. I’m forbidden from helping you directly, but I will give you this.”

Athena handed me a watch with two buttons. “The Red Button allows you to track the number of people you have helped. The Green Button shows you Father’s mood so that you can get a general idea how much time you have left to complete your task. Pushing both buttons simultaneously will summon me. Be prudent, for you only have three summons.”

Seeing the bewildered look on my face, Athena sighed. “Poor baby. I guess that’s enough excitement for one day. I’ll drop by from time to time, but I’m sure you’ll get the hang of things in no time, clever lad that you are. Here, drink this.”

She handed me a gourd of sweet nectar, and I could feel all my cares fade away after the first sip. Ah, ambrosia…

I awoke in my bed with a start. Hmm, maybe it was a dream after all. But one look at the watch on my wrist immediately dispelled this happy thought. Sighing, I collapsed back into bed. I was tempted to summon Athena since I had a lot of questions, but I thought better of it. After a few minutes bemoaning my plight, I forced myself to get up. Helping a thousand people shouldn’t be too hard, right?

The Inconvenient Truth

Ten years later…I’ve learned one inconvenient truth: Zeus was pure evil. The soulcount stands at only 696, and it’s not like I’ve been slacking off. I have volunteered, donated, mentored, and worked for all kinds of non-profits and governmental agencies. Befuddled, I wasted a summon early on, but Athena was as frustratingly cryptic as the Oracle of Delphi. Well, I guess it wasn’t a complete waste; she’s pretty hot.

It took me awhile to figure out that to “personally touch” someone required that I somehow alter their behavior or thinking. Serving soup to homeless people wasn’t enough, but convincing a kid to stay in school or changing someone’s opinion was. These activities were incredibly time consuming and has low success rates. Damn you, Zeus! I refuse to be your plaything.

…Later, holed up in my apartment to avoid Zeus’ wrath, I was surfing the web when I was struck by a completely different sort of bolt. With the Internet, I could reach thousands, maybe even millions. Even with a low success rate, I might still be rack up a decent number of souls.

So here are the Safaris - my expeditions into the wild world. If you like them, please refer them to a friend; every visitor helps. Will I become Super Phil or Phil-a-ment? My fate is in your hands!

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