Sing, O Goddess, of the rage of Philkilles
By: Phil Safari on Oct 01 2008Category: Story
Phil Safari, a reluctant Candidate, must prove himself worthy to the gods by completing a Heroic Task: change 1000 lives for the better… or else! This is an episode of the philosophical sci-fi webserial, the Safaris.
Ordinarily, the weakling known as Phil could never be confused for a hero like Achilles, but today was no ordinary day. Something had taken over his body, and this alter-ego was…well, frankly badass. “Philkilles.” Yeah, that’s what I’ll call him. It has a nice ring to it.
“Who do I think I am? I don’t think; I know. And you, sir, are the worst leader I have ever had the misfortune of working for. No wonder this place is such a disaster.”
It was like a bomb went off in back of the room. I watched in rapt fascination as shock registered on the managers’ faces one by one and then rippled across the room, hitting Stan like a physical blow. His eyes grew large, much larger than I every thought eyes could get. Then they disappear as he scrunched his face as if he had sucked on a lemon.
“How dare you speak to me that way!” Stan sputtered. “You will regret this.”
Philkilles snorted. “No, how dare you. My only regret is not say this long ago. You are a waste of taxpayer money. Instead of serving the public, you’ve created a personal entourage of idiots who can do no wrong and a culture where honest employees are marginalized. If that wasn’t bad enough, now you are accusing your managers of racism despite strong evidence to the contrary. You are truly pathetic.”
Philkilles’ voice was cold, hard steel, and his eyes blazed with an intense fury. He watched with satisfaction as Stan struggled in vain to speak. Stan clutched at his tie, frantically trying to loosen it as if he could not breathe. Veins bulged in his neck, and he began frothing at the mouth. After what seemed like an eternity, a strange gurgling sound emanated from his throat that slowly amplified into an inhuman shriek.
“Get out! Get the hell out of my building!! You’re fired!”
Philkilles threw back his head and laughed. “Really, Mr. Tillman, this is too funny. You can’t fire me just because you hate me, you dumbass. You need a better reason. Or have you forgotten that the same rules that protect your worthless sycophants protect me as well?”
Sensing that he could not win, Stan decided to cut his losses. He didn’t get to his position by being that stupid. “What’s your name?” he hissed.
“Phil. Phil Safari.”
“Phil Safari – I’ll remember that name,” Stan said softly.
“Yeah, you do that.”
With that, Philkilles walked out of the room.
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